who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
