I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize