I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
