she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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