Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
