My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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