Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
