He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
