I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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