Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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