if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
