does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
