I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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