are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize