Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
