i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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