i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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