I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
