Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
In America we eat man semen.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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