weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
