i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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