The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
