she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
