The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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