i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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