u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
