apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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