So drunk its hurt
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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