Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
