well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
