i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
