I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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