i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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