I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
