you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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