I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
