dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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