These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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