apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
