can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
