Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
