i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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