Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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