I need to stop coming to work sober
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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