i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We left the knife in your bed.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
