I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
