I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
