I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
