Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize