im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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