Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
