how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
