I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
