Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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