I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
