I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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