Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I lost the right to judge tonight
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
