WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
