Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
