OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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