she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
