we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Randomize
