I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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