our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
