my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
