as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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