I just threw up on my dentist
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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