I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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